Monday, March 16, 2009

Blog: Assault-rifle Andrea

Originally Posted December 22, 2007 on MySpace

~ I've been having some weird dreams lately. Just yesterday I woke up from a dream to hear someone over a walkie talkie. Then, I heard movement in the room behind me. I laid there motionless, straining to hear, just barely opening my eyes. A figure ran past the foot of my hospital bed. I sat up and tried to yell at them, but my movements were slow and my speech slurred. It was as if I was drugged, but I woke up for real and figured the slowness was due to my being asleep the first time. Was it really though? Maybe the truth is I am at a hospital. I'm kept out with drugs and the life I think I lead is really the dream. Now I'm not egotistical enough to think that none of you exist. Rather, my body could be robotic while my brain is in some poor guy who controls it remotely from a secret laboratory. I know this sounds crazy, but it explains how the brain of a nerd got in the body of a model. :) Seriously, all the oddness of my slumbering thoughts has inspired me to tell you about my favorite weird dream of all time.

Frightening. She actually turned out to be very sweet if you were on her good side.

~ Have you ever played Goldeneye for the N64? Do you remember how you die? At the moment of death you hear 3 shots and a red veil comes down the screen as your first-person-perspective stumbles about leaving you with a view of the ceiling. Then, you can restart your mission and try again. Well, I was playing Perfect Dark, sequel to Goldeneye, one evening and I died in the same spot over and over. I probably died there thirty times before I gave up and went to bed.

~ That night I dreamed I was in the mission. I made all the normal steps to the corridor of my doom. The clock was ticking so I bolted down it prepared for the henchman who pops out from the corner. This time though it wasn't a henchman. It was Andrea! It was Andrea with a fuzzy baby-blue sweater, A grin of maniacal glee, and a shoulder strap leading down to the assault rifle she so happily swept the hallway with. I fell to the floor disoriented. Blood ran through my eyes. Andrea shot me 3 more times for good measure. I started over.

~ I don't know how many times she killed me that night before I finally gave up on sleeping. Yes, I died in my dreams, but it was video game death which always comes with another incarnation. Before you try to analyze it further let me tell you a little about Andrea. She was a five foot nothing terror I met in my third year of college. With her big blue eyes, her curly blond hair, and all of her 80 pounds she was a thorn in my side. Whenever I saw her she greeted me with a bony little fist. She made cruel little jokes at my expense. I flirted with her little friend and she yanked her away. And, she always bared her teeth in that big grin as soon as she caught sight of me. As I'm sure you've realized she had a crush on me. I certainly hadn't realized it until long after the dream, long after I began referring to her as Assault-rifle Andrea.

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