Saturday, December 26, 2009

Blog: Her Subconscious and I

~ Glinde Frir was mischevious. To her dismay, her mother would always know where she'd been and what she'd been doing. How her mother knew these things plagued Glinde, but when asked Mrs. Frir would simply say, "I have my sources." Finally, one day over coffee and eggs Mrs. Frir revealed her secret. Glinde was her source.

~ Glinde talked in her sleep, but she didn't just talk she held conversations. If Mrs. Frir wanted to know something she'd wait till her daughter fell asleep. Then, Glinde would answer any question. The answers didn't always make sense, but all Mrs. Frir needed was to find out something she couldn't have known otherwise. Later on, she could bluff Glinde into revealing the rest.

~ Time goes by, I started dating Glinde. The relationship quickly got serious, which is fine, but Glinde was falling fast, which is a problem. You see, my emotions change very gradually. I'm slow to anger. I'm a loyal friend. I'm so patient it confounds me. These are good aspects of that trait. However, I'm slow to love, which is the single most terrible quality of my emotions. When I fall for a girl, it's more like walking down a long, gentle slope. For Glinde, falling in love was like falling down a well. I could see that she was going to splash into love at any moment, and I was strolling up on a hill so flat that I couldn't be sure if I was even heading down.

~ So, I carefully told her to slow down. I didn't want her to be in love alone. Glinde reluctantly agreed it was best, but that reluctance seemed ever present ever after. Months went by and I didn't feel any more in love than I did that day. So, one night while I was lying awake mulling over the situation of our hearts, I asked her, "Are you awake?"

"Yes and no." she answered.

"I've been thinking about our relationship." I exhaled.

"Thinking can be dangerous," she muttered, "but not as dangerous as ducks."

I continued, "I'm not falling in love with you, and I think it's because you won't let yourself fall for me. I think that when I asked you to slow down you stopped, and unless you let yourself fall again we'll both be stuck at this point."

"It's true." she said. "I locked my heart and threw away the key."

This left me speechless. I didn't think she had realized what was going on yet. Here, I find she's been writing sonnets about it. Before I formulated another word to say, her breathing changed and I knew she was asleep. Eventually I fell asleep too.

~ That was the last time Glinde stayed over, and I only saw her a couple more times before we stopped making dates. Then it took 2 more months before she called and said we needed to talk... in person. I knew what the two months were for. She was squashing what remained of her feelings for me, so we could have an easy emotionless breakup. Two months isn't nearly long enough for my feelings to dissipate, and, even though I knew this day was coming for longer than that, when she arrived at my door I felt the same joy in my heart that I had felt for most of our relationship.

~ I talked again about how I couldn't love her if she wasn't open to it. She admitted that she put up walls and defenses as soon as I said to slow down. She said she finally realized all of this about a week ago. What?! I was confused. I asked her about the conversation we had those months ago. I told what she had said so eloquently. She didn't remember. Then, I remembered the story she told me of how she sleep talked. And then, I realized that only her subconscious and I were aware of her feelings back then. It was a lot of strange insights to be having at such an emotionally delicate moment so I dropped the psycho-analysis and said goodbye. She said we'd stay friends but we didn't, and I've forever been left to wonder: Does she know she's afraid of ducks?


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